This Too Shall Pass...Now Would Be Good

I have not been so into this blog lately, which I noticed is directly related to the fact that I have not been so into dieting lately.
It makes sense, I guess, but then I realized if I would be honest and just blog how I feel then maybe I will stop eating to overcome the desperation.
Nothing in particular has set me off. Honestly, no bad dates, no deaths in the family (yup, those two are pretty closely related on the pain scale), I like my job, I have great and supportive friends. I think its just been too much winter already and no vacation days, no warm and sunny, lets get outside and live life days. It's a lot more let's stay indoors on the couch watching bad movies and eating days.
I feel as though February is just like that for a lot of people, kind of blah. I mean it's mid winter, no holidays and no fun days so it's easier to get stuck in a rut. I liken it to a fog. It's as if a fog has been put over my eyes, not a thick one, but one that just clouds my vision a drop and makes it feel as if I am muddling through. It's not only in dieting. i feel like I am struggling in many aspects of my life, like my day to day religion is a struggle and not biting my nails is a struggle and then I find it is easier to just give in to it rather than fight it.
That's it. That is the bottom line. the past few weeks I have just not had the strength to fight the fight and it is easier to give in, so I have.
I am not proud of this, but I am being honest. I am learning that for me, life is cyclic, sometimes its easier to be in control and sometimes it's harder, but even when it is hard I know it won't last forever and that gives me the strength to hold on. This fog will lift and I will see the sun bright and shining.
Until then I will use the last bit of strength I have to hold on to here and now and not let myself fall further than this.
I really will get back on track, it will be one day soon.

SK
Clogged with yesterday's excess, the body drags the mind down with it. ~Horace

Food for Thought

Blogging about dieting gets boring.
How about we switch topics for today and talk about the shidduch crisis?
Then I can call the blog "Dating Makes My Clothes Shrink"
Or we can talk about the financial crisis in the United States and world wide.
Then I can call the blog "Having No Money Makes My Clothes Shrink"
Another possibility for discussion includes do you think Barack Obama is doing and /or will continue to do a good job as president?
Then I can call the blog "Barack Obama Makes My Clothes Shrink"-not so much.
OK How about the effects of global warming, is there really a crisis? And Should we, could we be doing more to prevent the breakdown of the environment?
Then I would call the blog "Does Lowering My Carbon Footprint Also Make My Clothes Shrink?"
Or the way we worship actors and actresses or ballplayers as our modern heroes. Are these people we want our children to look up to?
Then I will call the blog "If only Brad Pitt were Jewish, certainly my clothes would NOT be shrinking"
How about the topic of Free Will. Is there free will? If there is then how can God know all we do and even before we do it and we still have free will?
Then I will call the blog "Philosophy... Just Makes Me Anxious"
And lastly, as a possible blog in case you are bored and want to start one could be a laundry blog and I would call it "Putting Wool in the Dryer Makes My Clothes Shrink"
Have a good day!
SK

I'm allergic to food. Every time I eat it breaks out into fat. ~Jennifer Greene Duncan

But I did it anyway

I was not going to post tonight, but I am.
I was not going to go to the gym tonight, but I did.
I was not going to go weigh in tonight, but I did.
I was feeling gross and I had to work a little late tonight so I was going to just come home and veg out and get some much needed sleep. Instead I pushed myself and I went to weigh in which was a huge but expected disappointment. I will not disclose just how much I gained, but suffice it to say that it took me weeks to get that much off and I gained it all back in 2 short weeks. It's amazing how badly we want to hold onto our fat.
(I once bought a magnet for someone that reads as follows: The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.)
Anyway I decided after that weigh in that I have no choice but to go to the gym and I ran 3 miles in 32 minutes and I am glad I did.
And then I wasn't going to post because I really, really have nothing to say except I ate too much and I shouldn't have and now I am annoyed. Y'all are going to be all nice and say things like "just keep trying, it's only a small setback" and the like. What you may really be thinking is, "if she eats like a pig, she deserves to look like one" or "I can only help those who help themselves". I know that's what I would be thinking about me. (I still would rather hear the earlier in your comments, rather than the latter or no more shout outs for you)
Here is how I am feeling: tired and weak and frustrated. I resolve to take those negative energies and thoughts and get rid of them. I have had my fun the past two weeks, basically eating whatever I want. Now is the time to get serious again, count points, have willpower, overcome the temptations!!
Please, God, give me strength.

I protest

I am learning a lot about myself, more and more each day. Most recently I have learned that I feel better about myself when I am in control of my eating habits but I still like to eat more than I care. Isn't that the craziest thing?
It's the whole idea of the intellect being unable to overpower the emotion. It's like a smoker that knows that every cigarette is going to bring him closer to death but still he cannot stop smoking. Every alcoholic has the same dilemma as does every morbidly obese person.
I am hoping I don't make it to morbidly obese and that I can nip this in the bud before I get there.
Speaking of obese I would like to discuss something which I think (even as a medical professional) is a totally unfair and unjust measurement of weight.
That is the BMI calculator.
For those of you that are unaware of this system please click here for more info.
I think this chart system is way unfair. It makes no distinction between men and women and it makes us all seem obese. I just calculated mine at 24.9, which by the skin of my teeth is a normal weight. 25 is considered overweight. Actually, I haven't weighed myself in two weeks and I am certain after tomorrow I will be closer to obese :(. But lets say you are 5'7". 135 lbs is considered to be an average healthy weight in mid range of normal. Now I must admit I have never weighed in at 135. I skipped right over those numbers from grade school into high school. Seriously, scales in my house don't go that low.
But I think the BMI is a product of society and a bunch of skinny doctors who think that the average size 12 woman is obese. Give me a break. Not everyone is going to weigh 125 lbs and fit into a size 4. That is just not the reality.
I say we ditch the BMI. All in favor, say I!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH

I seriously cannot stop eating! I love to eat! I love chocolate! Honestly, I don't even care if I don't have a Valentine, I am going to eat all the chocolates anyway! Try and stop me...
SK

Excuses, Excuses

I have many excuses tonight for why I didn't go to weigh in at Weight Watchers, but most of you can probably guess them all. I begin with the least incriminating. I have a bad cold. Stuffy head, stuffy nose and I went to work today. I fell asleep at my desk waiting for a patient. It is that bad. As I left work I decided I was just too tired and cranky to go to find out that I gained and feel more defeated than I already am.
So instead I ate too much for dinner. Then I justified that by sating that I have a bad cold, stuffy head, stuffy nose and penne a la vodka was pretty much the only thing I felt would satisfy me. So I ate it and now I feel sick. Are you happy now???
By the way, pasta is not a food I eat very much at all. I like it but its not one of those foods I have to have. I rarely make it and if I do its in a vegetable lasagna after a fast day. When I go out to eat I rarely order it because I like other things better. But sometimes I just have to eat it and then I am good for like another 6 months.
I figured that once this week was shot what's one more day?
But now I am done. I feel as though I have fulfilled my cheating quota for the month. I have tasted and eaten pretty much everything I have wanted in the last 5 days and I am going to jump back in the saddle again. It's fleishigs for breakfast lunch and dinner, no junk and gym as much as possible.
We will see how long this lasts. I am hoping for a good week.
SK
PS Another reason I didn't want to go weigh in was because I fear that my highest weight for 2009 might be right now. uh oh!

I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is fourteen days. ~Totie Fields

Have Mercy

I think I have been reluctant to post another blog because I ate a lot this weekend and very little of it was justified. I am tired of dieting. I really am. I have to say it sometimes feels good to just eat with reckless abandon until your stomach hurts and you feel guilty. Then, of course, you feel guilty but you are satisfied and you have gotten it out of your system. ( I hear the comments, now...it's never good, stay focused...blah, blah, blah.)
I am coming to the realization (a realization I have like once a day), that this is a life long process. I am going to be in it for the long haul. In the scheme of things what's one wedding of great food and even better dessert? Or really more honestly, what's one weekend of good food and good desserts?
It's the same thing over and over (aren't yall getting tired of me and my realizations-that are the same every time?). It's okay for me to have a "bad" weekend if I am good most of the time. I did wake up this morning and think "the 2 lbs I likely gained this weekend are going to take me two weeks to get off". Then I was annoyed, but I was still happy I ate that chocolate explosion dessert.
I did get a cold this weekend because I have been run down and busy and Hashem knew I needed a day off of work and the only way I would take it and actually rest was if I felt badly. So He did me this small tova and I spent the day in bed and now I am rested and more relaxed. Although I do still feel much like my head is under water.
The other silver lining to this cloud of a cold is that I sort of lost my appetite today. Not much tempted me and a lot of things feel like they are going to burn my throat on the way down, so I passed.
So even though one day of eating very little doesn't usually help the weekend of dinner with parents in the city, Shabbos with yummy Biscotti and my aunt's chocolate chip cookies that are heavenly, an engagement party Sat night with tons of yummy, yummy treats, Sunday morning brunch with my parents and a very fancy wedding, I am hoping the scale will have rachmanus on me.
And I am hoping yall will too.

SK
PS: Shout out to Marg (who I am certain only did it cuz she was expecting this) for bringing me chicken soup as the cure all for my cold and the LAST piece of her milk chocolate Godiva because she knew I needed it more than the soup. Thanks, M. I recognize that BB (before blog) you would have brought over the whole box of leftover dark ones.